Café Cortadito  [Click the photo above to go to Café Cortadito’s website]

 10 East 3rd Street (between Ave B & Ave C) New York, NY 10009

 Spent a rainy Saturday at a coed bottomless brunch…I know what??

 First off, I was originally supposed to go to this brunch with a few girls, and then I get a text from my friend saying, “we are not going to know anyone at this brunch.” Great, lets break bread with people I don’t know. This won’t be awkward at all.

 I would also like to point out that I know these people through a boy I was dating (yes, dating! Not hooking up. I’m not a 20 year old undergrad anymore. You want something, you better buy me dinner first), so you can imagine my horror when more of his friends were coming to a DRUNK brunch. Who knew what would slip out of my mouth? Oh, and did I mention they were couples? MISS, WHERE IS MY MIMOSA?

 I had already told my friend ahead of time she had to sit next to me (am I 12? Maybe), but her boy best friend (who she calls her brother) apparently had the same idea, and we secretly competed over our seating arrangement.

 Her brother won, so I sat next to him, with my friend sitting across from me, and her other friend( I had met twice before) sitting to my right.  I should also point out that the restaurant was the size of a small walk-in closet, and 9 of us squeezed into a table that sat 6 comfortably. So when I say we sat next to each other, I mean we were straight up cuddling. Lets.get.started.

 “Should I take pictures of our meal?”

“You should!”

“Why would you take pictures?”

“Because I have a food blog, do you want my card?” (Yes, I have cards now!)

“You seriously have a blog?”

“Yes…”

“Are there videos on your blog?”

“Sort of…”

“You should have videos” (Oh, thanks. I should have been like DON’T TELL ME HOW TO RUN THIS! but instead I get all shy and embarrassed and just respond with a meek, “ok.”)

 We order pitchers of mimosas, mojitos, two sangrias (white and red), and maybe one more drink. The lovely lady sitting next to me suggested combining the mimosa and mojito…she is a genius.

 I was at least 3 drinks in before my food arrived…I actually can’t remember. Whatever. It’s a bottomless brunch! Don’t judge me!

 I had per usual looked up this menu ahead of time (for G-d’s sake it’s Cuban, I have never had a Cuban brunch before, I needed to be prepared: I needed to see pictures prior to ordering). I went for the Amanecer Corralito (sweet plantain omelette with Spanish chorizo and ham), I saw from the picture the chorizo and ham were served on the side, and the omelette looked like a good size portion. Yummy. Omelette was sweet with the plantains inside, and then tasted delic with the chorizo combined. Sweet and Savory. Boom.

 My friend’s “brother” was texting our mutual friend to no avail, because he wanted a male companion for March Madness later in the day. Unfortunately, our friend was unavailable because he was at his own brunch…an exclusive couples brunch. Yes, vomit.

 My drunken haze does not allow me to recall how the whole thing started, but in order to get Mr Couples Brunch to respond to Brother, we decided to play a prank on him, and this just made the brunch fly by!

What better way to keep yourself busy when you don’t know one other person there!

 We decided to tell Mr Couples Brunch that I was making out with some dude Mr Couples Brunch hates, who we shall name Brock Lee* (Best idea ever! Lets do it! … No, we should not. Why am I jumping at the chance to sound like a slut?).

 I start grabbing Brother’s arm and laughing like a drunken hyena.

 Mr Couples Brunch goes nuts and starts texting the craziest things:

 “She has really hit rock bottom.”

“LMAO”

 At this point I am just dying of laughter (He thinks I’ve hit rock bottom! Stop it! I can’t breathe!) Looking back I should have been insulted.

 We then decide it would be a good idea for me to text Mr. Couples Brunch and pretend I have no idea what is going on.

 Me: Hey are you at The Hill? (their favorite bar)

Mr Couples Brunch: No, y?

Me: We’re going in a little?

Mr Couples Brunch:  With Brock Lee?

Me: Who?

Mr Couples Brunch is drunk from his own brunch and calls me to yell at me! I of course cannot hear him. They were playing loud music and I felt like I was at a discoteca.

 I finish up with a text…

 Me: You got punk’d son (WHAT? I know. The show is back ok, so don’t judge me)

 Mr Couple’s Brunch isn’t quite getting it, and keeps going…

 Mr Couple’s Brunch: Brock Lee is ur hubby?

Mr Couple’s Brunch: I wanna merk him (idk what that means)

 Next thing I know I’m paying the bill, and my friends are stabbing at my plate, because I didn’t finish my omelette, because I was so distracted by the texting feud. “Hey! That’s really good!” I know…I have a food blog.

 *The name has been changed for privacy reasons.

Cafe Cortadito (sangria, tropical mimosa, mojito)

A little bit of everything.

Cafe Cortadito (Amanecer Corralito)

Sweet plantain omelette with Spanish chorizo and ham. I definitely ordered the best dish!

Cafe Cortadito (huevos rancheros)

2 eggs over a corn tortilla with black beans and salsa. The vegetarian option.

Cafe Cortadito (ropa vieja sandwich)

Cuban style flank steak with a flavorful tomato sauce, green and red peppers.

A boy ordered this. I think ordering a sandwich when you’re drinking is always a safe bet for absorption purposes.

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